SWBTS to offer additional degree

For Immediate Release
Fort Worth, Texas

In a move to counter the mounting criticism that Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and its president, Paige Patterson, have received on account of the “homemaking degree,” offered through the seminary’s undergraduate program, the Fort Worth school has now authorized the development of a supplementary degree concentration in Christian Husbandry.

The new degree, which will launch this fall, will further serve the school’s mission to equip Southern Baptist churches to reclaim the Christian home as a counter-cultural weapon against un-biblical family paradigms.

With elective course offerings in lawnmowing, hedgetrimming, weedeating, and fire-ant prevention, Southwestern’s husbandry degree will achieve Patterson’s objective to make the seminary a premier center for theological education in America.

“The Bible is replete with exhortations for men who seek to fulfill their God-given commission as the leaders of their households,” Patterson said. “Southwestern Seminary will spare no effort — we will spend every last dime of convention money, if necessary — to preserve and protect the biblical roles of Christian men.”

The 23-hour concentration will require three hours of archery, sharpshooting, and gun safety complete with a taxidermy lab, four hours of marinade preparation and outdoor grilling, a seminar in automotive maintenance and repair, and a two hour course in corporal punishment techniques. Only male students will be allowed to enroll.

Southwestern Seminary’s dean of husbandry studies, Rev. Dean Nichols, has high hopes for the program’s success.

“We’re not going to tolerate Christian men who don’t know how to change a tire or baste a rack of ribs,” Nichols growled. “Southern Baptist churches will have confidence that preachers coming out of Southwestern Seminary can keep the church bus running, keep the baptistry pump working, and still prepare sermons for Sunday meeting.”

Nichols serves concurrently as the faculty sponsor for Southwestern Seminary’s student organization, The Royal Society of the Deer Pants.

Having watched FTE enrollment drop below 2000 for the first time in decades, Patterson hopes the paired programs of homemaking and husbandry will plug the drain of student attrition. A simultaneous wild game dinner and British tea is planned for the Fall semester to profile the new degree concentrations.

In related news, SWBTS President Paige Patterson has announced a new capital improvement campaign to fund construction of facilities to house the Ted Nugent School of Biblical Husbandry.


As we at Baptist Blogger approach the mid-year mark, we decided to come up with ten resolutions to carry us through December 31, 2007. We call them Blogolutions, and they are as follows:

1. We will fast from reading anything published on Baptist Press for two solid weeks. After the intial detox, we will fast weekly on Mondays and Fridays and any other day that has headlined photographs of half-naked men and transgendered persons.

2. We will not blog on Saturdays or Sundays for any reason whatsoever.

3. We will blog at least once every week about something praiseworthy in the Southern Baptist Convention.

4. We will not blog about the 2008 Presidential Election cycle, neither Southern Baptist nor American.

5. We will stop using plural pronouns as frequently when referring to ourself.

6. We will only use the word hell when speaking about a place, and we will only use damned when speaking about those who live there. When necessary, we will use “Fort Worth” as a synonym for the former and “fundamentalist” for the latter. (Example: You can tell all those fundamentalist fundamentalists to go to Fort Worth for all I care.)

7. We will conduct and publish at least one interview per month with a completely unknown pastor or layperson whose ministry is worthy of recognition.

8. We will fight the urge to publish more than one YouTube video per week. We will never publish more than two.

9. We will fast from all blogging, blogperusing, and blogcommenting on Sundays.

10. We will finally send those gifts we’ve planned to the editorial staff of the Florida Baptist Witness and the SBTexan.

News Flash…Malcolm Yarnell plagiarizes Bart Barber…

If you haven’t been over to the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith website — hosted here — and had a chance to read Torquemada’s … er, Malcolm Yarnell’s open criticism of Lifeway Christian Resources, then you will probably want to download the .pdf file.

Baptist Blogger readers may remember that this critique was originally published on Bart Barber’s blog several days ago and almost simultaneous to the report itself, leaving many to question whether or not Yarnell had received an advance copy of the report from his boss.

Nevertheless, our crack team of investigative reporters has discovered that the original .pdf document, now so prominently displayed on Yarnell’s little blog-of-sorts, includes an imbedded file name. That file name, we have discovered, is Barber.pdf.

We at Baptist Blogger are curious. Who exactly wrote the piece published on Barber’s blog and later on Yarnell’s? Was it Barber or Yarnell? Both names are on the file, and we can discern few changes, if any, between the two documents.

Of course, we’ve sent this tip over to Jim Smith at the Florida Baptist Witness for more extensive coverage…

From me to Paige, with love…

Last year, we at Baptist Blogger found the perfect song to kick our shouts out to the Fundamentalist Führer of the SBC, the Red Bishop of Ft. Worth, and the man we affectionaly refer to as “The Leprechaun King.

Along the way — with the help of our brother blogger Micah Fries — we put this little music video together.

And then there was this song, dedicated to the president of Southwestern Seminary when he first discovered about the Sheri Klouda lawsuit.

This month we’ve outdone ourselves by finding another little video clip, and we really think Paige will get the message from this one even though it’s not the Charlie Daniels Band, Johnny Cash, or David Allan Coe. And hoping not to offend the brethren with a more tender conscience, we went with the live performance below rather than the original video with all its images of death and that macabre phantom mask thing or Lil’ Kim’s latest remix even though we at Baptist Blogger think Lil Kim is hot like fire since she got outta the Philly prison last July!!!

So here it is: Our latest song…From me to Paige, with love…

One liners and quotes for my gluttony resolution…

If necessary, I’m prepared to debate the resolution on gluttony on the floor of the SBC. In the event I am called upon to do so, I have compiled the following one liners and quotes. Enjoy:

1. Southern Baptists don’t smoke pot and don’t believe in luck….but put the two together and you’ve got a real revival on your hands.

2. I’ve heard a host of Baptist preachers speak in unintelligible tongues. Usually they had a mouthful of potato salad at the time.

3. Southern Baptists are so fat you’d think we’d been baptized in bacon grease.

4. Ever wonder why our World Hunger Offering has dropped by almost 5 million dollars in the last 20 years? (Looking around the coliseum) Yeah, me neither.

5. We don’t have as many messengers at the annual meeting as we used to, but we sure take up the same number of seats.

6. This convention has gotten so fat that people think SBC stands for Sunday Buffet Customers.

7. “As houses well stored with provisions are likely to be full of mice, so bodies of those that eat much are full of diseases.” Diogenes

8. “Swinish gluttony never looks to heaven amidst its gorgeous feast; but with besotted, base ingratitude, cravens and blasphemes the feeder.” John Milton

9. “Gluttony is not a secret vice.” Orson Welles

10. “A glutton is a man who digs his grave with his teeth.” A French Proverb

11. “Gluttony is a great fault; but we do not necessarily dislike a glutton. We only dislike the glutton when he becomes a gourmet–that is, we only dislike him when he not only wants the best for himself, but knows what is best for other people.” G.K. Chesterton

12. “It is a curious fact that no man likes to call himself a glutton, and yet each of us has in him a trace of gluttony, potential or actual. I cannot believe that there exists a single coherent human being who will not confess, at least to himself, that once or twice he has stuffed himself to bursting point on anything from quail financiere to flapjacks, for no other reason than the beastlike satisfaction of his belly. ” M.F.K. Fisher

13. “Only men in rags and gluttons old in sin mistake themselves for carpet-bags, and tumble victuals in.” Sir Walter Raleigh.

A nomination for SBC 1VP…

Today, the race for First Vice President of the Southern Baptist Convention has opened. Pastor Mac Brunson of Jacksonville’s First Baptist Church intends to nominate Rev. Jim Richards, Executive Director of the Southern Baptists of Texas Convention. And while we love Rev. Richards to pieces, we are not convinced that his hour for convention office has arrived.

For a week now, Baptist Blogger has been mulling over the possibility of our making a nomination to this high and esteemed office. We’ve had considerable success in the past with our nomination speeches, so we determined to try our hand again at the process of determining convention leadership.

Today, I formally announce that I will nominate a trusted and loyal Kingdom servant to join Frank Page as First Vice President of the Southern Baptist Convention.

In this day of Southern Baptist uncertainty, our convention needs reliability. We need a First Vice President who knows what it means to wait patiently for the Master’s command. We need a First Vice President who understands the value of loyalty, and is content with any place of service in our convention.

My nominee has never been asked to serve on a board of trustees for the convention, though he has been thankful to observe many. Of all possible candidates, he knows more about the inside scoop on our convention, yet he has an unblemished reputation of gentleness and gratefulness. While some younger Southern Baptists look for choice seats and key appointments, my nominee has never asked for a seat at the table.

Yes, fellow messengers, when it comes to the office of First Vice President there are many qualified candidates. The only thing that distinguishes my nominee, however, from the other nominee is that my nominee is unashamed to tell you that he does what Paige Patterson tells him.

That’s right.

I nominate Noche Patterson to serve as our next First Vice President.

Thank you.

Malcolm Yarnell’s latest white papers…

Our favorite Southern Baptist henchman, Professor Malcolm Yarnell, has just released a new series of white papers, linked here, here, here, here, and here, to coincide with the occasion of Frank Beckwith’s returning to full communion in the Roman Catholic Church.

Thanks, Brother Malcolm. Your commitment to careful theological analysis and charitable scholarship is a model for all young pastors. Not since Paul Blanshard has so esteemed a scholar explained the dangers of Roman Catholicism. A fine tradition of Evangelical theology you are advancing, Malcolm. Very fine indeed.

Please keep those white papers coming. We at Baptist Blogger find them so very helpful, and we want to help you boost your readership in every way possible.

Blogger lifeboat…

Seven bloggers on a lifeboat. You have to get rid of two of them so that the remaining five will survive. Same scenario as before: whom do you toss, and why?

1. Marty Duren
2. Ben Cole
3. Wade Burleson
4. Art Rogers
5. Dorcas Hawker
6. Tim Rogers
7. C.B. Scott



1.  Marty Duren gets to stay. Anybody who finds his home in the Appalachian wilderness for a “vacation,” marching through thickets, pines, and briars with the buoyant spirit of Burt Reynolds in Deliverance can survive a desert island. Granted, I thought it was bizarre when Marty decided to retrace the travels of Eric Robert Rudolph, but the grandaddy of SBC Blogging stays in the boat.

2.  The best reason to through me overboard is that I stand the greatest chance of surviving even in the waters.  Not even the sharks want a bite of me.  The best reason to keep me is that I have the greatest chance of making our little “three-hour tour” into a media spectacle.  We might even get our own sitcom if I pulled the right strings, and a hefty sum for the “story” to boot. :)  But yeah, I’d pretty much toss me if I was the others.

3.  Wade Burleson can’t be thrown overboard.  A fact that Chairman Tom Hatley learned the hard way.

4.  Art Rogers shouldn’t be thrown overboard, but he shouldn’t be allowed to remain in the boat either.  He should be allowed to hold to the side of the boat and pray that the sharks who won’t eat me don’t eat his legs.  Everybody knows that Art Rogers is really the mastermind behind all the blogging headaches for SBC higher-ups.  From his tiny Treo in Tulsa, Art Rogers has gripped the SBC by the throat.  Easily the most dangerous blogger, he’s steady, calm, and careful.  The good old boys would benefit greatly from his demise.  He’s also likely to let go of the boat side once he realizes that his final 30 days of life could be spent with Tim Rogers.

5.  Dorcas Hawker shouldn’t be thrown overboard, but I have a sneaky suspicion that she would jump anyway.  The Parkview Children’s minister has an irrepressible spirit.  She’s likely to jump in the water just after announcing to the world (or lifeboat survivors) that she knows she can swim to safety if she just puts her mind to it.  And she’s likely to do it just to prove that she could.  Of course, nobody would throw Dorcas overboard…so long as she didn’t try to bless them with her own rendition of “Mary Did You Know,” which is certifiably homicidal.  I have the audio-recording to prove it!

6. Tim Rogers stands the worst chance of surviving the lifeboat, simply because he’s outnumbered.  But he does argue his case until he wears down his opposition who finally quit just to get him to shut up.  Also, if the other lifeboaters will promise Tim that a trustee appointment to Southeastern Seminary or the North Carolina state convention executive board was waiting for him back at home, he’s likely to work harder than anybody else to get there.

7.  C.B. Scott is quite possibly the best hope for survival on board.  In fact, he’s been dead three or four times already, but like Johnny Cash and the Highywaymen, he just comes back again and again.  He’s also as strong as an ox, which would be quite resourceful to the survivor crew.

Keep C.B., Wade, Marty, Dorcas, and Art.  Tim Rogers and Ben Cole get the boot.  We’ll slug it out in the waters until the briny sea overtakes our tired souls.  Throw in a bottle of yo-ho-ho rum, and I bet I can get Tim to violate Resolution Number 5 on the way down.


So here’s the deal. You are on a lifeboat carrying six Southern Baptist dignitaries other than yourself. Your ship was wrecked somewhere off the coast of Benin, West Africa. Your tiny raft is drifting toward a deserted island, and you know beforehand that your rations can only sustain five of you for 30 days. You have to decide whom you will throw overboard, ensuring your best chance of survival and hope of rescue. Assuming you will spare your own life, which two of the following six Southern Baptist higher-ups will you toss?

Comment your answers and rationales. I will post my response within 24 hours.

Anyone answering, “I’d throw myself overboard before I’d live on an island with any of them” will be disqualified.

1. Al Mohler

2. Richard Land

3. Paige Patterson

4. Bobby Welch

5. Danny Akin

6. O.S. Hawkins



So here are my thoughts about the lifeboat scenario listed above. I’m going to list my thoughts about why each person should/should not be cast overboard, then I will announce my choice:

1. Al Mohler — There is no question that Al Mohler is one of the brightest minds in the Evangelical world. He’s quick and resolved. When he sets his mind to something, he is not easily dissuaded. His tenacity would be an asset to any group, though Mohler is definitely less of a team-player than some of the other candidates. He has few intellectual equals, and he knows it. Mohler would serve better as a sniper than an infantryman. He also has children still at home, which would definitely give him a will to survive that others might not possess. That desire, and the recognition that he does have kids at home, might keep others from tossing him over.

2. Richard Land is brilliant, though largely useless when it comes to using tools or doing anything normally considered as a “man’s job.” By his own admission, his wife is far more the “handyman” than he is. Richard’s strength is, without a doubt, in leadership. He can plan and execute. He’s also an overachiever with a competitive edge, and if put in a situation where he has to compete with — say Al Mohler — he would work twice as hard to win. The only person in the SBC, however, who can rein Land in is Paige Patterson. If Patterson got tossed, Land would be incorrigible.

3. Paige Patterson is a survivor. He survived the firing at Criswell. He survived some tough spots at Southeastern. He’s surviving at Southwestern. He’s not as bright as Mohler or Land, but he’s much faster. Patterson’s aim is off, but his trigger is quick. He might miss you with the first shot, but he’ll have fired off three or four rounds before you’ve even taken aim. Not only that, but Patterson has an infectious sense of humor. When misery sets in on the little deserted island, Patterson will keep things light-hearted. If nothing else, he will pick a fight between the other survivors just to make things interesting. The downside to having Patterson is that if the food runs out, he’s likely to cannibalize you. The upside is that Dorothy is twice as tenacious as he is, and if she thinks he’s still alive out there, she will pull out every stop to find you.

4. Bobby Welch is a Vietnam veteran. He lived on boot leather for a few weeks in the Mekong Delta. His “pep talks” are tiring when you don’t think you need them. But facing certain death, Welch is probably the closest thing you’ve got to a general in Southern Baptist life. Welch stays. No question.

5. Danny Akin is courageous and resourceful. There has never been a hill up which he will not climb. There’s never been a challenge from which he ran. Faced with unsurmountable odds, Akin will find a way to surmount them. He’s perhaps the most physically fit of the group, which would serve your cause of survival well. He’s also quite disciplined personally. If an ally is what you need, Akin is among the most formidable. I really can’t think of a reason not to keep Danny Akin. He’s the youngest of the bunch, and he’ll carry his own load and then some. Akin stays.

6. O.S. Hawkins is a friend to everyman. He’s a remarkably fixed star in this shifting constellation we call the Southern Baptist Convention. You don’t have to worry about O.S. knifing you when your back is turned. He gets labeled by some as an “elitist,” but that moniker doesn’t really play out. He may wear perfectly tailored dress-shirts, but he knows how to roll up those French cuffs and get his hands dirty when necessary. He’s also among the most forgiving of the group, which means he will likely not hold it against you when you toss one of his friends. In a pinch, O.S. might even sacrifice himself for somebody else. You know, greater love hath no man and all…

So what is my decision?

If push came to shove, I’d try to assemble a team with the best chance of survival. I’d keep Welch and Akin without a second thought. Patterson would stay because he’s got the most basic survival instinct known to men. I’d keep Hawkins just because I know he’d work as hard to get off the island as he would to keep the group from murdering each other. I’d probably toss Mohler because he’d swallow the bitter pill a little easier than the others, believing in exhaustive divine foreknowledge and providential sovereignty like he does. Land would go overboard because, well, you don’t really need to vote values on a deserted island.

Of course, I’d be doing the SBC a bigger favor by keeping them all to decide among themselves who gets tossed, and jumping ship myself.

Now there’s an idea…