Blogger lifeboat…

Seven bloggers on a lifeboat. You have to get rid of two of them so that the remaining five will survive. Same scenario as before: whom do you toss, and why?

1. Marty Duren
2. Ben Cole
3. Wade Burleson
4. Art Rogers
5. Dorcas Hawker
6. Tim Rogers
7. C.B. Scott



1.  Marty Duren gets to stay. Anybody who finds his home in the Appalachian wilderness for a “vacation,” marching through thickets, pines, and briars with the buoyant spirit of Burt Reynolds in Deliverance can survive a desert island. Granted, I thought it was bizarre when Marty decided to retrace the travels of Eric Robert Rudolph, but the grandaddy of SBC Blogging stays in the boat.

2.  The best reason to through me overboard is that I stand the greatest chance of surviving even in the waters.  Not even the sharks want a bite of me.  The best reason to keep me is that I have the greatest chance of making our little “three-hour tour” into a media spectacle.  We might even get our own sitcom if I pulled the right strings, and a hefty sum for the “story” to boot. :)  But yeah, I’d pretty much toss me if I was the others.

3.  Wade Burleson can’t be thrown overboard.  A fact that Chairman Tom Hatley learned the hard way.

4.  Art Rogers shouldn’t be thrown overboard, but he shouldn’t be allowed to remain in the boat either.  He should be allowed to hold to the side of the boat and pray that the sharks who won’t eat me don’t eat his legs.  Everybody knows that Art Rogers is really the mastermind behind all the blogging headaches for SBC higher-ups.  From his tiny Treo in Tulsa, Art Rogers has gripped the SBC by the throat.  Easily the most dangerous blogger, he’s steady, calm, and careful.  The good old boys would benefit greatly from his demise.  He’s also likely to let go of the boat side once he realizes that his final 30 days of life could be spent with Tim Rogers.

5.  Dorcas Hawker shouldn’t be thrown overboard, but I have a sneaky suspicion that she would jump anyway.  The Parkview Children’s minister has an irrepressible spirit.  She’s likely to jump in the water just after announcing to the world (or lifeboat survivors) that she knows she can swim to safety if she just puts her mind to it.  And she’s likely to do it just to prove that she could.  Of course, nobody would throw Dorcas overboard…so long as she didn’t try to bless them with her own rendition of “Mary Did You Know,” which is certifiably homicidal.  I have the audio-recording to prove it!

6. Tim Rogers stands the worst chance of surviving the lifeboat, simply because he’s outnumbered.  But he does argue his case until he wears down his opposition who finally quit just to get him to shut up.  Also, if the other lifeboaters will promise Tim that a trustee appointment to Southeastern Seminary or the North Carolina state convention executive board was waiting for him back at home, he’s likely to work harder than anybody else to get there.

7.  C.B. Scott is quite possibly the best hope for survival on board.  In fact, he’s been dead three or four times already, but like Johnny Cash and the Highywaymen, he just comes back again and again.  He’s also as strong as an ox, which would be quite resourceful to the survivor crew.

Keep C.B., Wade, Marty, Dorcas, and Art.  Tim Rogers and Ben Cole get the boot.  We’ll slug it out in the waters until the briny sea overtakes our tired souls.  Throw in a bottle of yo-ho-ho rum, and I bet I can get Tim to violate Resolution Number 5 on the way down.

14 thoughts on “Blogger lifeboat…

  1. I may have had a TIA last week but I haven’t completely lost my marbles. And I’m not near crazy enough to answer this one at all.

  2. The only thing I know if you take Ben or Wade out then you better take C.B. out first. He will thow you overboard. The question you really should of ask next would have been who would have built the hut wih most sq footage.


  3. I guess that I would toss Ben and Wade overboard. The reason is jealousy, plain and simple. Both of those guys have hair that just won’t quit! Seriously, does their hair ever mess up?


  4. This riddle is near impossible to solve. Could we drop off five on the island and have two of us take the lifeboat for help?

    You can’t get rid of C.B. because we need him to be able to survive. I’m just sure of that.

    Marty, Wade, Art and Tim all have kids at home to take care of, and except for Tim’s wife, I have met all the other wives, and couldn’t bear condemning one of their husbands to death.

    This group can’t toss Tim overboard without it being accused of some sort of SBC conspiracy, so if the press report after the rescue is to be “survivors” instead of “murderers” you have to let Tim stick around.

    I would say I would sacrifice myself for the group, because I don’t think 30 days around a bunch of unshaven, stinky pastors would be my idea of a tropical vacation, and it might be better not to have to set up separate male and female areas on the island. Easier for survival level existence if I wasn’t there. Yet if news ever got out that five men saved their own skins and let the woman die, well no matter how backwards and traditional some might consider that thinking, I would say it would be better for the men to stay on the island than to suffer the reputation in the press for killing off the only woman. Also, I could survive the longest on the least amount of food, so I would actually be a good choice to keep alive.

    And I’m certainly not tossing Ben overboard; killing one’s pastor is looked down upon in these parts of Texas. Beside, he has a way of making things happen and would probably be our best resource for getting rescued.

    But the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one, and two people have got to go. Who will it be? It is down to Marty, Wade, Art or Tim. This is a horrible decision to make, but the boat is sinking and we are barely going to make it to shore. We’ve got to vote now. Who will it be? The agony!

    My vote is: Wade and Tim. Sorry Tim, I just don’t know you as well as the others. I’m sure you are a great guy and all. There he goes, slipping beneath the waves (I think I’m going to throw up). And Wade, your family is strong, they will be able to survive. You have always sacrificed for us all. Yes, we know we don’t have to throw you over. You were going to volunteer anyway. Goodbye my friend.

    Stumbling onto the shore in a feverish daze. I can’t believe we just had to do that. Y’all can have my food rations, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat again.

  5. This, like the last one, is a no-brainer to me. It’s Wade and C.B. for pretty much the same reasons. Wade walks on water and makes it to the island. Along the way he and Patterson spend the time together resolving all things SBC. Once they’ve gotten to the island to make sure everyone else is Okay they load the others on their shoulders and carry them back to civilization. C.B. may be the only person alive tougher than Bobby Welch, in which case the sharks only get 1000:1 odds. In fact, C.B. lassos a porpoise and rides him to safety.

    Everyone wins.

  6. Sister Dorcas,


    Well here goes!

    It would have to be Ben and Wade. Dorcas would be upset but once you spoke about survival and how she would be able to enjoy being a homeowner she would acquiesce. After Marty and Art were convinced that the media royalties would be theirs, they would strike up the Treo’s and begin posting like crazy to get the scoop. Then you would have to worry about CB. That would be one hard liner to overcome. He certainly would not think highly of the person that removed his “little buddy” Ben, and he certainly would not think highly of professor Wade being overcome. However, he would focus on the exact time and place to revenge the extinction of those two friends–CB is as loyal as hound that you can find. ( I am not saying CB is a dog, I am saying his loyalty is highly admirable) Maybe, just maybe, before he can get that right time a place we will be rescued.



  7. Ok. Now I have slept through the night and have had to re-think my position. I am not certain that my observation will work. Here is why. CB will not let it alone long enough to be rescued. Once he losses his little buddy he will go missional to get revenge. Logic is out of the window for him then and he will plot and pursue whoever removed his little buddy.

    Therefore, I will have to plot a network with one of the others on the boat to get rid of CB. I do not stand a chance with those left. Therefore, I must sacrifice myself for the good of the rest. With Wade’s article of rewards in Heaven, I will probably get the “Spiritually Immature Mansion”. I volunteer my life as Jonah did and tell them to throw me overboard. They debate just to make it look like they are having a hard time deciding, then decide to go ahead because in reality, it is an easy decision. As they pick me up, I grab Dorcas and she comes over with me. Why? I am a Fundamentalist and I know that the rest will not be able to survive with a woman slowing them down. CB’s chilvary (sp) will not allow him to eat without making certain that Dorcas is looked after. Thus he will end up dying making sure she survives. You are not going to kill CB so just go ahead and bring Dorcas down in what appears to be an accident and CB will then survive.


  8. Oh dear, Wade, perhaps you should charter a separate yacht for yourself if you need to travel on the high seas with this group. Might I recommend you comment quick with your campaign speech on why you should be one of the survivors. You could probably convince me to throw Marty out instead. ;)

    Tim – oh my goodness, talk about solidifying my vote in your instance. :) Do you really think an argument regarding survival and rescue would conclude with Ben being one of the guys going overboard? He is brilliant. You throw him overboard and you cut your chances of survival by at least 50% (but then again, I’m voting to toss you overboard, so I guess your chances weren’t that good to start with). I can just hear you now, “Dorcas, I know Ben will be dead, but you’ll survive to get back to your brand new house.” Oh, yes, that’s a convincing argument. Kill a friend, redecorate a home. Come on Tim, you can do better than that. :) Tell me why you are key to survival and possibility of rescue.

  9. Ben –

    Thanks for reminding me of my number one asset to survival of the group. My siren song is sure to bring other ships near to rescue us. And who could miss the high-pitched call for help across the waves. Indeed, I am vital to the survival of everyone else.

  10. Marty has touched on a way for all to survive this situation. We could hit Wade hard in the solar plexus so he could not speak. Thus he could not give us a rational reason to not do what would be next.

    1. Tie his hands and feet. I would then take my Randall made knife and shave his head.

    2. Take his hair and pile it neatly into Marty’s shoes. Marty’s shoes are lined with asbestos thus they will not burn and cause our floatation to burn.

    3. Set Wade’s hair on fire. It will be a large fire, trust me. In fact, it will so large and make such black smoke that all the free nations of the world will think Iran set off a test bomb. Observation aircraft from all over the world will come to our location.
    We would be rescued in four to five hours tops.

    4. Wade would become a hero….AGAIN. Marty would finally get a new pair of shoes. Ben, Dorcas, and Art would live to blog again. Tim could go to three worship services as I have already suggested.

    Of course, some “bloney eater” trustee from the IMB would say I was dangerous and violent because I shaved Wade’s head rather than throw him overboard as they planned in their cacus meeting when they heard of our situation.

    They would do that because I would not go along with their plan, but, hey, what would be new as far as me and trustees of various SBC entities goes?

    The only down side is it would take me a month to sharpen my knife after cutting that thick head of hair. Maybe I’ll just get Villa Rica to buy me another knife and give that one to Marty to trade for his new shoes:-)

    One more thing, Tim could fill in preaching for Wade untill his hair grew back. That would be very interesting.


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