Please be advised of the following. Failure to observe and apply these helpful hints will deprive your seminary experience. We at Baptist Blogger would have enjoyed a more profitable seminary education if we had heard and observed all these rules. There are four or five or ten wherein we failed miserably and frequently.
1. There is no such thing as a tenant of Arminian theology.
2. There is no such thing as a tenet of Armenian theology.
3. When referencing the sixteenth century reformer, Martin Luther, it is not necessary to tell your professor that he “nailed the ninety-five theses to the church door at Wittenburg.” Your professor knows you are not referencing the 20th century Civil Rights leader. The same rule applies to all major figures in church history. Resist the temptation to explore obvious and overused facts in your writing. Write about something that few men know.
4. John MacArthur’s commentaries are great for stealing sermons. They are unacceptable for exegetical research.
5. Never, ever use an exclamation point for any reason whatsoever.
6. The unexpected death of a church member does not absolve you of weeks of procrastination.
7. Learn Turabian early, and review her often. There is no excuse for submitting research papers with homespun formatting. Trust me, you cannot intuit Kate’s ways.
8. Footnotes serve nobler purposes than mere source citations. Use them to demonstrate that you have interacted substantively with a source by elaborating an explanation.
9. The Holy Bible is inerrant, infallible, and inspired. It is not, however, an occasion for bibliographic buttressing.
10. Have someone other than your wife or roommate edit your major term papers. Ask your professor to recommend a student, and pay him for his labors. An excellent grade is worth a modest sum.
11. Learn to search for journal articles outside of JETS. If you don’t know what JETS is, do not try to find out.
12. When choosing between professors, find one that has published at least one significant monograph within the past five years. Too many seminary professors are woefully incapable of rigorous academic research, and if your professor lists a Winter Bible Study or journal article from his own seminary journal on his curriculum vitae, pass on him.
13. Do not presuppose that you will learn what you need to learn from a seminary education. Seminary, if it serves its purpose, will equip you with some of the tools you will need, not all of them.
14. Find a spot in the library away from high traffic areas and live there between classes. Stay away from the coffee shops. Do not waste your energies rutting with the spring bucks.
15. Purchase a copy of Hans Frei’s The Eclipse of Biblical Narrative and read the first 100 pages every semester.
16. Expand your knowledge base of art, literature, and music. Visit at least one museum a year, and spend the day. Attend a symphony. Read Shakespeare.
17. Serve one year as a professor’s grader. There’s nothing like reading stacks of horrible research papers to teach you how not to write.
18. Refuse to purchase every book your professor requires. Many professors think that their academic respectability among their peers is contingent on large reading lists.
19. Every semester, look over the doctoral reading lists. Spend the time you would have spent reading the frivolous assignments in your Master’s level courses to read the stuff of which Ph.D.’s are made.
20. Listen attentively to the names of theologians — Evangelical or otherwise — most often criticized and ridiculed by your professors with flippant, unsophisticated one-liners. Choose these men as the subject of your major research paper for their classes.
21. Find a well-worn copy of Helmut Thielicke’s sermons on the parables. Devour it.
22. Befriend an international student. Listen to him.
23. Skip chapel most of the time for early lunches off campus with friends. Hooky is liberating.
24. Search for nursing homes and retirement communities that will let you preach or teach Bible studies. The single greatest deficiency in most young pastors is the inability to interact with senior adults. Eat their cookies and pies. Take them flowers. Ask them to pray for you.
25. Write at least one unassigned paper during your time at seminary.
26. Tithe.
27. If you are not pastoring, do not attend the church most frequented by seminary students. Find a church 20 miles out of town and join it.
28. Do not huddle near your seminary president at the end of class or chapel. If you can manage to get through seminary without his knowing your name, you have truly accomplished something.
29. Attend associational pastor’s conferences as often as possible. Drink coffee with older pastors. Ask lots of questions.
30. Date your wife. If you’re not married, date as many girls as will go out with you.
31. Offer to babysit for a seminary couple so they can comply with #30 above.
32. Pay close attention in your church administration class. Keep copies of every handout. Compile a notebook of church policy and procedure manuals.
33. Have a little wine for thy stomach’s sake.
34. Smoke a cigar, preferably this one.
35. Peruse every issue of National Geographic, Time Magazine, and Psychology Today. Cull them for sermon illustrations.
36. Ask no more than three questions in class per semester.
37. Completely fill out all professor reviews at the semester’s end. Write substantive comments and honest appraisals of the professor’s performance.
38. Sneak into chapel alone at odd times and preach a sermon to no one.
39. Wear shorts, flipflops, tshirts, and ballcaps to class. There’s plenty of time in ministry to wear suits, ties, and dress shoes.
40. Cultivate the closest relationships with students headed for the mission field.
41. Avoid “accountability groups” of fellow seminarians at all cost.
42. Contact the chaplain’s office of a local hospital. Offer to visit people who have no minister.
43. Sit in a different spot every week.
44. Invert the seminary course plan. Save classes like evangelism, the scripture introductory courses, pastoral care and counseling for the end of your degree.
45. Join the seminary choir for one semester. Learn to read music.
46. Join a protest — at least once — in front of an abortion clinic.
47. Write anonymous notes of encouragement to fellow students. Slip a ten dollar bill in the envelope.
48. Burn at least one textbook in a ceremony of private dissent. Most books on leadership make for good kindling.
49. Dye your hair or shave your head or both. Do something counter-cultural.
50. Pay all your bills on time.
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