A resolution translation…

Our beloved brother Robin Foster has taken the time to draft a resolution for our consideration at this year’s Southern Baptist Convention. Some of our readers at Baptist Blogger might have a hard time understanding what Brother Foster means by his fancy-soundin’ resolution, so we decided to translate it for you, free of charge:

WHEREAS, The Bible is the only book worth readin’, so long as you don’t pay too much attention to them parts that talk about drinkin’ poison and handlin’ snakes and speakin’ in tongues and other stuff we don’t reckon are biblikul; and

WHEREAS, In Mark 16:17-18, Jesus telled them that among other weird stuff them early Christians would “talk in tongues”; and

WHEREAS, In the book of Acts, that thing Jesus said happin’d on Pennycost when them disciples “began to talk in tongues, as the Spirit made ’em” (2:4), showin’ once and fer all that them folks in Jerusalem knew what they’s sayin’ cause it was English they’s speakin’ in ’bout God and stuff; and

WHEREAS, In 1 Corinthians, Paul telled them Corinthianians who used to pray to them statues and such that they wudn’t sposed to do that no more; and

WHEREAS, Also in 1 Corinthianians, there’s a bunch of talk about the Holy Ghost givin’ gifts for use in the meetin’ house for ever’body to get the blessin.’

WHEREAS, Also in 1 Corinthianians, among them gifts Paul talked about, tongues wadn’t sposed to be used by ever’body. In fact, they wadn’t sposed to even want them tongues cause they caused such a fuss; and

WHEREAS, Also in 1 Corinthianians, them Christians was only sposed to talk so folks knew what they’s sayin and them sinners would get rite; and

WHEREAS, Folks who pray in tongues don’t know what they’re talkin’ ’bout cause the Bible says it ain’t fittin’; and

WHEREAS, The trustees for the International Mission Board and North American Mission Board has (I left this one alone) set rules and reg’lations to keep them crazy pennycostals off our convention payroll, cause we ain’t plantin’ pennycostal churches cause we’s Baptists, amen and amen; and

WHEREAS, Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminar of Ft. Worth Texas has stept out in front u’ this thang by tellin’ it right: “Southwestern will not knowingly endorse in any way, advertise, or commend the conclusions of the contemporary charismatic movement including ‘private prayer language.’ Neither will Southwestern knowingly employ professors or administrators who promote such practices,” and

WHEREAS, Some Real conservative Southern Baptists know that talkin’ in tongues ain’t sposed to happen after all them disciples was dead; and

WHEREAS, Other pennycostal conservative Southern Baptists try and make the Bible say thangs it don’t say; now, therefore, be it

RESOLVED, That the votin’ messengers to the Southern Baptists Convention, amen and amen, meeting in San Antonio (Remember the Alamo), Texas, June, 12-13, 2007, is tellin’ ever’body that Southern Baptists don’t thank that talkin’ in tongues is biblikul; and be it further

RESOLVED, That we ain’t fixin’ to let them pennycostals take over our convention by tryin’ to make us talk in tongues; and be it further

RESOLVED, That we gonna die on that thar’ hill to keep them rules and reg’lations at the International Mission Board and the North American Mission Board concerning pennycostal tongues when we decidin’ who gets to tell folks about Jesus; and be it further

RESOLVED, That we real proud of our six Southern Baptist seminaries cause they don’t hire pennycostals to teach our preacher boys; and be it further

RESOLVED, That we want all Southern Baptist agencies to keep them pennycostals out of employment cause they just tryin’ to get in here and mess up our God-fearin’ Bible-thumpin’ Liberal hatin’ pennycostal bashin’ convention; and be it further

RESOLVED, That we gone settle this once and for all, but we sure would ‘preciate it if you’d just go away real quiet like and let us run this show. Ain’t room enough in this here town for both of us. Oh, and keep sendin’ your money if you would; and be it finally

RESOLVED, That we want all Southern Baptists to stop all this fussin’ and fightin’ about thangs that ain’t important, even though we gonna fight you till your gone. If you’d just roll over and die we’d be able to get back to the bidness of electin’ Republicans and sendin’ them Muslims straight to hell and keepin’ the wimmin folk pregnant. AMEN!

14 thoughts on “A resolution translation…

  1. Excellent post. You really hit the nail on the head this time. Amen, Brother. Perhaps your best post ever. Thanks, and God bless!!!
    You are a big jerk and an even bigger bully.
    Ann Seely

  2. At times Ben you’re funny, then sometimes you’re offensive, then there are times when you challenge us, and not a few times you make us mad…
    but sometimes you’re just very sad…
    I am praying for you

  3. ben,

    you seriously have a problem, bro. do you think that the Lord would want you to treat people the way you do? rude, sarcastic, hurtful, mean, and disrespectful are words that come to mind when i read much of what you write.

    you have a brilliant mind that could do so much good. you really have a gift for writing. but….


  4. Ben,

    You obviously have not taken into consideration how much bigger Robin is than you.

  5. There is an old story about a church that was about to close a business meeting, when this old fellow got up and said, “I move that we make it a rule that all prayers offered in this church be made with the eyes reverently closed, head worshipfully bowed, and hands firmly pressed together.” After his wife seconded the motion, the people sat there a few minutes, kind of stunned. Finally someone spoke up, and said, “I like my brother’s motion, except for one thing. I think it would be better if instead of having our hands pressed together, we should have our fingers intertwined–as if God’s hands are all around us.” Then somebody else, encouraged by that small dissent, spoke up, and said, “Doesn’t the Bible say something about bowing the knee? Seems to me, if we want to be really Biblical, we should specify that all prayers have to be offered when we are down on our knees, not standing or sitting.” Next, one of the younger members said, “Yeah, and the New Testament says something about lifting holy hands. So our hands ought not to be together at all, but uplifted toward the heavens!” Being Baptists, some said one thing and some said another; and some got right heated about it, and threatened to leave the church and start a real Baptist church if their way wasn’t accepted. Then just before a vote was taken, this old farmer, who hadn’t said a word the whole time, stood up. He said, “The best and I think most effective prayers I’ve ever offered was last summer when I was walking around the old home place and fell into an old well. I guess I’d have died right then and there, if the old well chain hadn’t of snagged around my legs and caught me just inches above the bottom. And I prayed, hanging upside down in that old well, and God sent somebody to rescue me. So: I offer an amendment to the motion, that we install pulleys and well chains over each seat so that when anyone want to pray, they can be hoised upside down to do it.” His wife spoke up right quick and seconded the motion, before anything else could be said. The congregation was silent again for a few moments; then one of the teenage girls began to giggle, then another and another, until finally everybody was laughing. And they prayed–and everybody went home.

    I wish some teenager would start giggling over all our debate over PPL, and motions, and rules about it, so we could all just laugh at ourselves, then pray and go home. Any chance of that happening?

    Frankly, I don’t know anyone in the church I serve who practices a PPL; but there are a lot of us who don’t like being told what we can and cannot do in the privacy of our own prayers, and still be Southern Baptists.

  6. Brother Ben,
    Just wanted to warn you. This is below the belt. Pointing out an oversight in grammar is one thing, but what you have done here is completely un-called for. I will post on this very issue. I have tried very hard not to question your motives. I cannot for the life of me but ask, what you intend to accomplish with this post, other than to degrade someone. I have always admired you because you can debate the issue. You stoop to a new low with this, and you certainly bring shame to your argument, because you have no argument.

  7. Tim Rogers, bless your heart:

    I shall consider myself duly warned. I have degraded none. Rather, I have mocked, ridiculed, insulted, and satirized a very silly resolution.

    And fear not, my brother. I can still debate a serious issue when serious debate is required. In this instance, however, I believe that frivolity and sarcasm are more appropriate. Forgive me if I do not use the forum of my blog to countenance with any credibility those resolutions that possess equal measures of brainlessness and recklessness.


  8. I find it interesting that those who are criticizing Ben for his approach in making light of Robin’s resolution praise Robin for a resolution, that if it passes, would bring the destructive acts of the the IMB, NAMB, and SWBTS into the immediate attention of every Southern Baptist church and church member in the country and force a decision of basic disfellowship in an area that God, through His inerrant Word, never requires. What was once a qualification for missionaries and professors in an isolated way, has expanded to even those who believe that this is a biblical position throughout the entire SBC, according to Robin’s resolution.

    Where is the outrage over that?

    Does anyone realize how many people will be affected if the SBC adopts this view and begins to apply it to all of our national entities?

    Do you know how many people will be fired, how many families will be left without support, and how many ministries will be stopped if what Robin suggests actually happens?

    Off the top of my head, I can think of many people at our seminaries and our entites that would be out of a job if this happened.

    I can think of many churches that would be affected dramatically because what is accepted nationally will filter down to associations and local churches because it will be seen as THE position of Southern Baptists.

    The damage caused by this will be extraordinary and it will make Ben’s words here pale in comparison. This resolution should be heartily opposed. We are talking about real life people with real convictions who have real families and are doing real Kingdom work. And, despite the opinions of a few, they are real Baptists.

    You can disagree with Ben’s approach in trying to use a literary device to cast this resolution in the light he feels appropriate, but if you disagree that the adoption and implementation of this resolution will cause exteme and lasting damage to the SBC that we all claim to love, then your head is in the sand.

    From the way I read it, Ben was trying to make a point about the appropriateness of the resolution through satire. As for me, I do not hold any belief whatsoever that Robin Foster is ignorant or a country bumpkin. Just the opposite, I think that he is a very intelligent man. I have talked and debated with him many times and have enjoyed our conversations and his gentle spirit in person. But, I think that he knows exactly what he is doing. And, in my opinion, it should be opposed with every last ounce of strength by every Baptist who cares anything at all about the future of the SBC.

    But, I appear to be on the losing end of this battle, so in the Baptist world that we now live in, I guess it doesn’t really matter what I think.

  9. If I wasn’t an ex-Southern Baptist (still Baptist and still Southern, but no longer SBC), I might think this rude–but it’s just funny.

  10. Talk about being offended-Robins resolution offends me.
    It offended my pastor, it offended my co-workers, my husband.
    Exclusivity coming from men is offensive.
    God is the gatekeeper-not mere men.

  11. This is one of the funniest things I have read in awhile. It is a shame and says much about our prideful spirit when we can’t laugh at ourselves once in awhile.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s