Our beloved brother Robin Foster has taken the time to draft a resolution for our consideration at this year’s Southern Baptist Convention. Some of our readers at Baptist Blogger might have a hard time understanding what Brother Foster means by his fancy-soundin’ resolution, so we decided to translate it for you, free of charge:

WHEREAS, The Bible is the only book worth readin’, so long as you don’t pay too much attention to them parts that talk about drinkin’ poison and handlin’ snakes and speakin’ in tongues and other stuff we don’t reckon are biblikul; and

WHEREAS, In Mark 16:17-18, Jesus telled them that among other weird stuff them early Christians would “talk in tongues”; and

WHEREAS, In the book of Acts, that thing Jesus said happin’d on Pennycost when them disciples “began to talk in tongues, as the Spirit made ’em” (2:4), showin’ once and fer all that them folks in Jerusalem knew what they’s sayin’ cause it was English they’s speakin’ in ’bout God and stuff; and

WHEREAS, In 1 Corinthians, Paul telled them Corinthianians who used to pray to them statues and such that they wudn’t sposed to do that no more; and

WHEREAS, Also in 1 Corinthianians, there’s a bunch of talk about the Holy Ghost givin’ gifts for use in the meetin’ house for ever’body to get the blessin.’

WHEREAS, Also in 1 Corinthianians, among them gifts Paul talked about, tongues wadn’t sposed to be used by ever’body. In fact, they wadn’t sposed to even want them tongues cause they caused such a fuss; and

WHEREAS, Also in 1 Corinthianians, them Christians was only sposed to talk so folks knew what they’s sayin and them sinners would get rite; and

WHEREAS, Folks who pray in tongues don’t know what they’re talkin’ ’bout cause the Bible says it ain’t fittin’; and

WHEREAS, The trustees for the International Mission Board and North American Mission Board has (I left this one alone) set rules and reg’lations to keep them crazy pennycostals off our convention payroll, cause we ain’t plantin’ pennycostal churches cause we’s Baptists, amen and amen; and

WHEREAS, Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminar of Ft. Worth Texas has stept out in front u’ this thang by tellin’ it right: “Southwestern will not knowingly endorse in any way, advertise, or commend the conclusions of the contemporary charismatic movement including ‘private prayer language.’ Neither will Southwestern knowingly employ professors or administrators who promote such practices,” and

WHEREAS, Some Real conservative Southern Baptists know that talkin’ in tongues ain’t sposed to happen after all them disciples was dead; and

WHEREAS, Other pennycostal conservative Southern Baptists try and make the Bible say thangs it don’t say; now, therefore, be it

RESOLVED, That the votin’ messengers to the Southern Baptists Convention, amen and amen, meeting in San Antonio (Remember the Alamo), Texas, June, 12-13, 2007, is tellin’ ever’body that Southern Baptists don’t thank that talkin’ in tongues is biblikul; and be it further

RESOLVED, That we ain’t fixin’ to let them pennycostals take over our convention by tryin’ to make us talk in tongues; and be it further

RESOLVED, That we gonna die on that thar’ hill to keep them rules and reg’lations at the International Mission Board and the North American Mission Board concerning pennycostal tongues when we decidin’ who gets to tell folks about Jesus; and be it further

RESOLVED, That we real proud of our six Southern Baptist seminaries cause they don’t hire pennycostals to teach our preacher boys; and be it further

RESOLVED, That we want all Southern Baptist agencies to keep them pennycostals out of employment cause they just tryin’ to get in here and mess up our God-fearin’ Bible-thumpin’ Liberal hatin’ pennycostal bashin’ convention; and be it further

RESOLVED, That we gone settle this once and for all, but we sure would ‘preciate it if you’d just go away real quiet like and let us run this show. Ain’t room enough in this here town for both of us. Oh, and keep sendin’ your money if you would; and be it finally

RESOLVED, That we want all Southern Baptists to stop all this fussin’ and fightin’ about thangs that ain’t important, even though we gonna fight you till your gone. If you’d just roll over and die we’d be able to get back to the bidness of electin’ Republicans and sendin’ them Muslims straight to hell and keepin’ the wimmin folk pregnant. AMEN!